Adolescence is a time of rapid growth, change and self-discovery. However, it is sometimes accompanied not only by new discoveries, but also by complex internal conflicts. This includes self-sabotage. It can manifest itself in different ways: from constant procrastination and poor academic performance to problems in communicating with peers. In this article, we'll talk more about self-sabotage and share simple tips on how to help your child overcome it.
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What is self-sabotage
Self-sabotage is unconscious or conscious behavior that harms and prevents you from achieving your own goals. This is a kind of internal conflict in which a person simultaneously strives for something, but also sabotages their efforts.
Forms of self-sabotage
Procrastination
Putting off important things until later. It often leads to stress and a ton of missed tasks.
Perfectionism
Inability to start or complete a task for fear of not meeting your own or others' high standards.
Self-criticism and negative thoughts
Constant self-flagellation, dissatisfaction with yourself and your achievements. It severely undermines motivation.
Bad habits
Abuse of fast food, overeating, ignoring your own health.
Choosing an unfavorable relationship
Ongoing relationships with people who cause pain or emotional discomfort.
Sabotaging success
Nullifying your own achievements, for example, by belittling your achievements or looking for shortcomings.
Reasons for self-sabotage
The reasons for self-sabotage can be complex and varied, often dating back to childhood. Here are a few of them:
Low self-esteem
A person is afraid of failure and prefers to “lose” in advance to avoid the pain of possible disappointment.
Fear of success
It is a paradoxical situation when a person is afraid of responsibility and difficulties that may arise after achieving success.
Anxiety
These conditions can reduce motivation and ability to be productive.
Negative experience in the past
Traumatic events or failures can form beliefs that contribute to self-sabotage.
Inadequate coping mechanisms for coping with stress
People use self-sabotage as a way to deal with negative emotions.
Self-sabotage is not a sign of character weakness, but rather a signal that there are internal problems that require attention and care. In some cases, specialist help is required.
How to help your teenager deal with self-sabotage
Here are a few simple steps parents can take.
Be careful and watch
Watch the child's behavior carefully. In what situations does the desire to self-sabotage most often occur? What precedes this? Record observations to identify patterns.
Talk
Create a safe and trusting conversation space. Ask open-ended questions and avoid accusations. For example, instead of “Why didn't you do your homework again?” , ask “What stopped you from doing your homework today?”
Suggest keeping a diary
Encourage your teen to keep a diary where they can write down their thoughts, feelings, and observations about their own behavior. This will help him better understand self-sabotage patterns.
Identify triggers together
Try together to identify situations, events, or thoughts that trigger self-sabotage. This could be stress, lack of self-confidence, fear of failure, or other factors.
Develop self-regulation skills
Teach your teen techniques for managing stress and emotions, such as deep breathing.
Learn to manage anger
If self-sabotage involves anger, teach him healthy ways to express anger, for example through sports or creativity.
Develop your child's awareness
Practicing mindfulness will help a teenager focus on the present moment and reduce the impact of negative thoughts.
Teach positive self-perception
Help your teen identify their strengths and accomplishments. Highlight his successes, even small ones.
Tell us about reframing
Teach him to reframe negative thoughts and replace them with more positive and realistic ones.
Teach your child self-compassion
Encourage self-compassion — the ability to treat yourself with understanding and kindness, especially in times of failure.
Set achievable goals
Break down big tasks into smaller ones that are easy to accomplish. Praise for every step you take will increase motivation and self-confidence.
Strengthen your self-esteem
Help your teenager understand their strengths and achievements. Support his efforts even if the result isn't perfect. Teach your child to enjoy the process and not just think about the result.
Develop problem-solving skills
Teach your child to analyze the situation, identify the problem, look for solutions, and choose the most suitable one from a variety of options.
Set a schedule
Help your child create a structured daily routine. Encourage him to go to bed early, eat on time, and be physically active.
Do an introspection
Analyze your expectations about the child. Avoid excessive criticism and comparisons with other children.
Provide support and understanding
Create an atmosphere of unconditional love and acceptance. Let your son or daughter know that you believe in them and are ready to help in any situation.
If necessary, consult a specialist
Do not hesitate to seek help from specialists — psychologists and psychotherapists who will help you understand the reasons for self-sabotage and develop an individual plan for working with your child.
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